Giving All My Secrets Aweigh...

I've always had these small issues, but theyre tucked behind my ear so I seem stronger than usual. On certain days however, I let them breathe a little and I vent, like so:

I've been bullied. Not once, not twice, but all through middle school.
It's not something you like to admit but sometime during middle school you start to care about how you dress and act and if you change too late the results can be catastrophic. Seventh grade could easily be one of the worst years of my life. Then again, life hasnt been all to perky since I left New Hampshire, although I must admit that by sophomore year I did find who I was as a person. You know how they say "Put me through hell if it'll bring me to Heaven" ...Ehh pretty much. Heck ive even been cyber bullied.

School was always hard for me after I moved. It wasnt that I was dumb, Im very bright actually. But there was always that constant struggle to fit in. That or I was so emotionally exhausted that I wouldn't do my work. I was a depressed child, severely depressed. I never let anyone see that though. It didnt start really till 8th grade. I had lost my great grandmother and my great grandfather in one year. That was real tough on me. I became a suicide advocate though, and that helped alot. Especially when I started helping young voices who needed so desperately to be heard.

I'm still very afraid to be my whole self. I enjoy very different things than most people my age. My style as my mother puts it is "Classic with a splash of Bohemian" So yes, I enjoy picking up a camera, collecting dolls, lace dresses, cups of ice cold tea, cupcakes of every sort, photography, rolling down hills. Yes, I enjoy a simplistic life, yet I also love the thrill of the hustle and bustle. Take me to the city and you will see my eyes shine with delight.
I love the finer things as well. Tiffany & Co., Starbucks you say? Ahh, you speak my language well. It's hard to come around people who are just like me.

Boston is my true home. I was born in the border above it, and I plan to return asap. My parents do not like the fact that their daughter wants to move all the way back to New England. They also dont like the sticker price of Harvard University, Boston University...heck I dont think theyd like Bay State University! (Not that Id go to a community college anyhow)
However, I have this weird sensation that tells me to go, live and actually be happy. We live to much of our lives being afraid and miserable. Maybe by going to school in Boston, I'll be a bit of a risk taker, taking a chance.

I am 1000% afraid to love. I fall in and out of love with these imaginary characters in my mind all the time. They always treat me right. However, mostly these characters have real faces. I know exactly who they are. They however will never like me, especially cause I rarely even talk to them most of the time. Once I actually took a chance. That was after I fell head over heels for my best friend. It didn't end well. I learned then that these love characters were truly meant to stay locked inside my mind.

Most boys find my unattractive. Most boys like to use me to get with my beautiful best friends, and nothing against them, but don't they see someone perfectly human in front of them? I always wish this, however when it comes to the point that someone DOES want to be with me, I freak out....and I push them away. This is my issue and I dont know why I do it. Maybe its the fear of bringing someone home to meet my parents that isnt worthy. Maybe its the fear of them wanting to use my body, which I in no way want. Maybe its because dating when youre in high school is 100% pointless. Ive seen the devastation...No thank you.

I learned alot lately. It's crazy how you open to your eyes on a subject and it trickles in and finds you. Alot of my friends have been brutally raped. This makes me wanna pack up my things and go to law school. I may do that one day. It's hard to see some of your very best friends go through such torture. Especially when they do nothing about it. If youre reading this and you ever go through this, don't shower. Go to the hospital, they'll call the police, and you may get justice for yourself...because you deserve justice.

I'm very different. I deal with alot. My best friend gets abused everyday and wants to get knocked up by the time she's eighteen. My friends here in Florida have changed significantly in the past few years. My friends in New Hampshire barely know me anymore. And where do I belong? Online? Even here people like to coldly stab me in the back at times.
Maybe I should just march along and start an army of doll friends. I know they will never give all my secrets away....