Kind Of An Anual Thing....Needs to be edited tomorrow morning

Birthdays. You have one every single year no matter what. And of course they're supposed to be special-They're the anniversary of the day you came into this world. Most of us have great memories of when their parents threw them a pool party and every cool kid from school showed up, or when you had your 11th birthday at the movie theatre...Complete with jumbo sized popcorn and bags of candy you snuck in, inside your jacket. But what if your birthday memories are the ones that you were embarrassed, lonely and forgotten? Trust me, you are in no way alone.

At 12 and a half I was just starting to fall in love with fashion and the city. New York City was where I wanted to be, and Chanel was what I wanted to wear. I had even printed a picture of a Chanel necklace off the computer hoping that it wouldn't cost an arm AND a leg. My 13th birthday was coming up and it should be a lucky one! Turning 13 on the 13th? Why that's a golden birthday! My parents gift to me was plane tickets to Philadelphia. There my grandmother could take me to New York for te first time in almost 3 years was it now? I was so excited I could hardly breathe! My grandmother had flown down to celebrate my birthday. We were having a red carpet affair. I was going to ask my guests to dress up and walk into my house on a red carpet where we could have our photos taken and then enjoy an Italian meal on our lanai. But as the night before arrived all of my guests had called to say they were not going to my party. I can't even begin to estimate how long I had cried for. You know how hard it is to be in the seventh grade, desperately trying to fit in, and then have your own friends bail on you? Its a pretty shitty feeling.

When I woke up the next morning it was my 13th day and I was far from thrilled, however my mother had gone out of her way to buy me a bottle of Abercrombie & Fitch perfume, two ANF tanktops, a gift card to Sephora and martini glasses that were supposed to be used for my party that was now a flop. Those presents from my mother truly gave me the strength to even go to school that day. When I got home I was still afraid that I'd be the only one at my birthday party. And I still had nothing to wear. However when I walked in the door, my grandmother had given me a bag from-Oh my god was that BCBG Max Azira? It couldn't be! But it was. A white laced button in the front, dress...all of my own! I know that the dress wouldn't bring my friends to the party, but it sure did make me feel a little but better.Luckily my mom had invited the neighbors girl over for dinner so I wouldn't have to eat my pasta alone, but I was still heart broken deep down inside. It only got worse when my mother, who attempted to play bartender, spilt my fake martini all over my neighbors dress. By then, I wished I could evaporate right then and there.

When I look back at the story today I still remember how terrible I felt on the one day that was supposed to go perfect, because it was one day that the world had to pay the slightest attention to me. And although I was a loner, I still had a family who did whatever it took to put a smile on my newly teenaged face. And as I blew out the candles on my New York style cheesecake, I realized that as long as I was still breathing...a birthday was worth a celebration...no matter how small.


~Anchora Aweigh!~


Ashleigh xoxo

Aweighing Down The Options

They say that you can't put a price on happiness.
I'd like to differ. What if you could pay for your dreams?
Would you do it? What if I also told you it would cost a small
fortune. Were talking $100,000-$200,000. Maybe even more.


I always face this constant struggle of what to do. Follow my
heart? Follow my head? Follow my wallet? :/
There are so many ups and downs when making a decision about
college, and although many are too young to even ponder where
you'll go, time is running out for me.

Here is the major issues. The pros versus the cons. Ladies and gentlemen, hold on tight.

Florida. A sunny, beautiful state...that is if you are a snake. I currently live in this hell hole
of a place. Colleges here, well they are nice. However they are more of party schools.
College football, slutty frat parties...the whole beef burrito. I mean, if I chose to go here
I suppose I would survive 4 years, however I'd still be stuck like a rock in the bottom of a stream. Would I ever get out?
However there are two positives for this over hyped state.  The first is that instate tuition is extremely affordable for college prices. We're talking $4,000 a year versus $40,000. Second, my family also lives in Florida. So I would be close to home at all times. And for the mother of a child who just went off to college, distance is always a factor. Oh, and I could prance around in my short shorts ten months of the year.

But is convenience worth a miserable outlook?

Massachusetts. A wonderfully chilly place on earth. If you are a Bruin that is.
But being a Bruin isn't bad at all! Besides, the hockey team is named The Boston Bruins! (Which I am a super fan of btw.) Boston holds a melting pot of opportunity. Besides I'm from right around there! I love the area, the four seasons, and how everything is right around me! I've always wanted to live right in a big city and this is home to me. Plus, the feeling of well educated people around you is a very good feeling. (Back in the south, people do not care about education very much.) However, like all things in life, Boston comes with a sticker price, and it's a high one. But the good news is, you would end up in a very good school, even an Ivy League school. And although you will miss your family more than anything in the world, you have your teen aunt around the bend, some other family across the border and even some of your friends right across the courtyard. (You know who you are!)

But is happiness worth the price tag?




Honestly, I just wanna make the world sing and forget about the price tag.

~Anchors Aweigh!~

Yours, Ashleigh

My Jar Of Hearts

So tonight is about a silly word called Strength. 
 

My friend Anna from Choir has been hounding me
all summer about trying out for The Voice, a popular
singing show in the United States. However, I was going
to be in New York on the try out date. Well, I'm no
longer going to New York until Christmas. So guess
who will be around this month? This girl.

I'm always constantly singing. But as you grow, so does
your voice and I can always pinpoint when my voice is
in an awkward stage or outta shape. Yes, your voice is a
skill that must be practiced, regularly. So when looking
into trying out, I was beyond hesitant.

I mean, I'm a 16 year old girl, and yes I can sing...but I
truly doubt I have the voice of an angel. I knew I needed
a bit of advice. I could have easily posted on my personal
facebook however that would lead to scoffing and empty
disappointment. I instead enlisted the help of my formspring
followers who always tell me to follow my heart.

And tonight is about strength. So I figured, hey! If I can find
a few songs suited for my voice then YES I CAN. I can do this!
In one week? Sure. Right now anything is possible!

As I type this, I listen to a very strengthening song called Jar Of Hearts. 
And I honestly think I broke the repeat button on this song. However,
after going through a over-whelming day filled with boxes of deceiving
hair dye, and drama filled girls, I've had just about enough. So now,
you can find me sitting here listening to this haunting tune. Why?
Because, I've learned to live half alive...


Don't most of us live that way? 




Why do we never live fully?




~Anchors Aweigh~ 




Ashleigh. xoxo.


PS: Have Strength!

Giving All My Secrets Aweigh...

I've always had these small issues, but theyre tucked behind my ear so I seem stronger than usual. On certain days however, I let them breathe a little and I vent, like so:

I've been bullied. Not once, not twice, but all through middle school.
It's not something you like to admit but sometime during middle school you start to care about how you dress and act and if you change too late the results can be catastrophic. Seventh grade could easily be one of the worst years of my life. Then again, life hasnt been all to perky since I left New Hampshire, although I must admit that by sophomore year I did find who I was as a person. You know how they say "Put me through hell if it'll bring me to Heaven" ...Ehh pretty much. Heck ive even been cyber bullied.

School was always hard for me after I moved. It wasnt that I was dumb, Im very bright actually. But there was always that constant struggle to fit in. That or I was so emotionally exhausted that I wouldn't do my work. I was a depressed child, severely depressed. I never let anyone see that though. It didnt start really till 8th grade. I had lost my great grandmother and my great grandfather in one year. That was real tough on me. I became a suicide advocate though, and that helped alot. Especially when I started helping young voices who needed so desperately to be heard.

I'm still very afraid to be my whole self. I enjoy very different things than most people my age. My style as my mother puts it is "Classic with a splash of Bohemian" So yes, I enjoy picking up a camera, collecting dolls, lace dresses, cups of ice cold tea, cupcakes of every sort, photography, rolling down hills. Yes, I enjoy a simplistic life, yet I also love the thrill of the hustle and bustle. Take me to the city and you will see my eyes shine with delight.
I love the finer things as well. Tiffany & Co., Starbucks you say? Ahh, you speak my language well. It's hard to come around people who are just like me.

Boston is my true home. I was born in the border above it, and I plan to return asap. My parents do not like the fact that their daughter wants to move all the way back to New England. They also dont like the sticker price of Harvard University, Boston University...heck I dont think theyd like Bay State University! (Not that Id go to a community college anyhow)
However, I have this weird sensation that tells me to go, live and actually be happy. We live to much of our lives being afraid and miserable. Maybe by going to school in Boston, I'll be a bit of a risk taker, taking a chance.

I am 1000% afraid to love. I fall in and out of love with these imaginary characters in my mind all the time. They always treat me right. However, mostly these characters have real faces. I know exactly who they are. They however will never like me, especially cause I rarely even talk to them most of the time. Once I actually took a chance. That was after I fell head over heels for my best friend. It didn't end well. I learned then that these love characters were truly meant to stay locked inside my mind.

Most boys find my unattractive. Most boys like to use me to get with my beautiful best friends, and nothing against them, but don't they see someone perfectly human in front of them? I always wish this, however when it comes to the point that someone DOES want to be with me, I freak out....and I push them away. This is my issue and I dont know why I do it. Maybe its the fear of bringing someone home to meet my parents that isnt worthy. Maybe its the fear of them wanting to use my body, which I in no way want. Maybe its because dating when youre in high school is 100% pointless. Ive seen the devastation...No thank you.

I learned alot lately. It's crazy how you open to your eyes on a subject and it trickles in and finds you. Alot of my friends have been brutally raped. This makes me wanna pack up my things and go to law school. I may do that one day. It's hard to see some of your very best friends go through such torture. Especially when they do nothing about it. If youre reading this and you ever go through this, don't shower. Go to the hospital, they'll call the police, and you may get justice for yourself...because you deserve justice.

I'm very different. I deal with alot. My best friend gets abused everyday and wants to get knocked up by the time she's eighteen. My friends here in Florida have changed significantly in the past few years. My friends in New Hampshire barely know me anymore. And where do I belong? Online? Even here people like to coldly stab me in the back at times.
Maybe I should just march along and start an army of doll friends. I know they will never give all my secrets away....

Not Your Typical First Blogspot

I'm way to different to give you my whole life story because this is the first blog post, however I would like to share with you what's going through my mind this evening

It's that awkward moment when you realize your getting dressed up to go to the super market because you're have reoccurring dreams about the kid who works there

That awkward moment when you can't figure out why youre having these dreams considering you only had one class together last year.

That awkward moment when you know you're choking your mother with the perfume you sprayed on the car ride over.

That awkward moment when youre poking your head around every aisle to see if he's there.

That even more awkward moment when you're making up excuses of why he isn't there.

And then its that awkward moment when you realize even if he was here that your chances are zero since your chubby nerd of a sister is with you.

After it's that awkward moment when you realized you'd probably be too timid to speak to him even if he was there.

So it's that awkward moment when you grumble back out to car with your cake mix and frosting, but then ponder the thought that maybe it's for the better since your hair is not it's best at the moment

The awkward moment arrives when your blasting "Sail" on the radio an signing the few lines you know in ASL that you had googles on the Internet

Then it's the very awkward moment when you feel like Marry Ann beating a blood red batch of Red Velvet cupcakes which you'll probably end up devouring because you're a failure at love, and right now cupcakes are your very best friends.